"You're tiring to be with. That's why I don't like being around Americans; they don't understand how to be Japanese. But your face is cute, so it's okay. Americans are suppose to be cute and weird."

Perhaps it was then that I decided I did not want to be a proper lolita. I also realized that, as a foreigner, I never could be one anyway. I have yet to decide if she knew she was helping me sort out what I had been thinking myself for a long time, or if she truly thought that I would be alright hearing that. Especially after meeting all of the other lolita she would consider pathetic...but that day, and those 15 minutes we talked, told me more about lolita and myself than I had learned in the past 3 months. Anthropology's like that I guess.

I have a feeling foreign lolitas will always be judged by some on a different basis. For some people, like the two girls I talked to before, lolita IS foreign. A girl with blonde hair, blue eyes, and white skin is automatically a good lolita (though she shouldn't be too overweight if she's trying to be gothic). Being friends with a foreigner is a sort of privelage and something to brag about. It might not even matter what your face looks like.

But for others, a foreigner can never be a true lolita, cute as she may be. I suspect that deep down, all Japanese believe that in some way or other, a foreigner will never be a true lolita. But for some, being a lolita is a way of providing themselves with an identity...and a way to prove that they are more correct, higher class, prettier, privelaged, Japanese, etc. than everyone else. They can use a foreigner though...if she is pretty. I am considered pretty, somehow, I guess.

Well, the other part of this is...yes. I am completely into my own thing, stubborn, childish, selfish... Personality flaw that it may be, that's just who I am. It's not American; it's ME.

"Can you stereotype a lolita for me?"
"Yeah...they all think they're princesses, like they're the best. Especially those white lolita."

It's almost funny to get snubbed by a (n admittedly cute) 14 year old walking around in full Moitie attire. Almost. But truth is, more than thinking it's funny, you would rather simply rip up their dress and give them a good kick in the butt with your $5 wallmart sneakers. Tell them to get a job...being a lolita takes a lot of time and effort. But if you have money, it somehow takes much, much less.

"About the money, don't worry about it. Just remember 20 years from now that you owe me."

"I have some purikura that I took...if you want them."
"Yes, give me. You're mine."

So I wear the clothes, and suddenly people want to own me. It's not just her; it's many of the guys I've met too. I can tell because they never paid me any attention as a researcher, but as a gothic lolita...*laughs* well, let's just say boys will be boys, hn? In the gothic/lolita scene it seems like people won't just be friendly from the kindness of their hearts. Some are lonely, some are horney, and some...like to own things? Who knows. There are some very nice ones, don't get me wrong, but knowing who to talk to is very important if you don't want to get hurt. Especially for me, since it is not natural for me to talk to people, especially some of the people I will have to talk to in order to complete my research. It's a good idea not to talk to the well known people, as they tend to be into their own thing, unless you are cool. And I am not.
Part of my hatred towards some of the people is because of this; I hate the idea that I might be rejected by someone I don't even want to talk to in the first place because they won't take me seriously. But you know...in research, you can't chose your friends. Though I like Kana and her boyfriend. I don't want you to think there are only sketchy lolita; I've met some wonderful ones, and I'm really glad I have.

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